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because I'm in a deep, heart-pounding panic over how thoroughly I'm wasting the very limited time I have left (three decades of useable brain time, give or take a few years, maybe - I'm from an Alzheimer family and it mostly seems to hit us in our mid-seventies, so I can't really count on more time than that) by doing exactly nothing of any of the things that I feel are the most important in my life.

I am a complete non-presence in the lives of aging relatives whom I love, who may not be around very long anymore, and whom I still don't manage to contact more than once a year.

I am a complete non-presence in the lives of my friends, whom I don't deserve to call friends anymore, who may not think of me as a friend anymore, either, because I've been absent for the better part of a decade.

I haven't really been making new friends either (well - one, I guess.)

I haven't written more than a sentence or two in a whole year.

I haven't done any work on my game level. I haven't done any jewellery design work.

I haven't done any activism in a year or more, and very little in the three or four years before that.

I haven't been active in fandom in any way for years, either.

All my energy is consumed by the daily chores of living: commuting, and working, and grocery shopping, and doing the dishes and the laundry, and so on. There is nothing left for anything else, and there's absolutely no sign of that *ever* changing, because when you work 30 days a month, how *do* you find energy for anything that isn't work?

Last Sunday I was sick and I was so damn grateful. I had a whole day to myself! I couldn't really get into the right frame of mind to actually get creative even so, though. But at least I managed to go through some of my old writing notes.

Maybe I need to *not* go on a "proper" holiday, next year. Maybe I need to portion my vacation days out throughout the year instead, two or three of them every other month, and dedicate those days to creative pursuits and my social life? But how much of both of these can you accomplish in two days every other month?

And anyway, can you resurrect a social life that's been dead for so long? Don't you, rather, have to create a new one from scratch? (Which of course takes more time than a day or two every other month.)

How do you have a life? Will I actually learn how to figure this out before I die?

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
bimo
Sep. 19th, 2015 08:51 am (UTC)
and there's absolutely no sign of that *ever* changing, because when you work 30 days a month, how *do* you find energy for anything that isn't work?

I'd like to apologize for phrasing this so very bluntly, but what kind of job hell are you living in? Multiple jobs? How many hours per week?

Because seriously, judging solely by what you are writing it sounds like you are dealing with a type of situation that no human being, even the fittest and strongest, is able to uphold for any longer period of time without risking serious physical and psychological damages.

Is there any way to get help? Friends, family, professionals who might be able to help you finding your way back into a more normal state of things?
hmpf
Sep. 19th, 2015 10:13 pm (UTC)
(whining)
Two part time jobs - one with 25-28 hours per week, the other with variable hours, averaging out to around 50 hours per week between the two jobs, distributed over all 7 days of the week. Which doesn't sound so bad, really, but... there's also the fact that one of the two jobs requires a looooooooooooong commute (1h20min each way, i.e. 2h40min commuting time per day on that job). Also, *seriously* irregular work-hours on both jobs, with sometimes not quite enough time between shifts to get home, eat, sleep, and get back to work, and this sometimes occurring for up to four or five days in a row, which usually wrecks me for the next week or so at least. Also, the irregularity messes with my sleep cycle and makes me less able to use what "spare" time I technically still have, because I tend to sleep then.

Of course, one of the jobs isn't technically a job but me trying to start a business or rather trying to acquire the know-how to possibly maybe do so, by watching, and helping out, someone who's been doing that sort of thing for a good long while. Not that I'm making huge progress there; I'm generally too exhausted from my other job to really give my best there. The other job is the one that pays my bills, so for now, it has to come first.

I work at least one of my two jobs every day of the week, and occasionally (1-2 times a week) both on the same day, which usually takes the pattern of three hours at job 1, followed by 6-8 hours at job 2, i.e. it results in a seriously long working day. Add 2h40min of commute to that as well... (I do get to read a lot thanks to my commute, so there's that for a silver lining! I've just passed the 60 books mark for this year, and of course there's still a few months left!)

There's maybe one - occasionally two - days a month that are actually "free" but of course those tend to get used up for all the chores that I can't do on the other days. Most of my "spare" time is spent on all the many steps required to prepare food (grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning dishes - no dishwasher, because my flat is too tiny for one. Technically I don't even really have a kitchen. No freezer either, of course, so I can't prepare meals more than a couple of days in advance.) Neither of my jobs has on-site catering or a canteen or anything like that, and I can't always live on sandwiches, so I try to cook something decent at least a few times a week. (Grocery shopping can be super time-consuming, though, if you live in a place with no decent infrastructure, and don't have a car either. I need to add 40 minutes of bus rides to any grocery shopping expedition. Try to do it on the way home from work as often as possible, of course, but when I work late shifts, most shops are closed by the time I head home.)

Of course, I was utterly shit at being creative on a regular basis, and at keeping my relationships alive, even before I entered the Zone of No Spare Time. It would be overstating things to say that my lack of time now is "just an excuse"; what the time lack thing does is, it exacerbates a problem that would exist even if I had lots of spare time.

Executive dysfunction plus a too busy work life: the perfect recipe for wasting your life.
bimo
Sep. 20th, 2015 10:11 am (UTC)
Re: (whining)
Mhm, would moving to a more "student-y" place with a better infrastructure be an option? A place where you don't have to waste so much time commuting or which is considerably closer to supermarkets/ organic food stores?

Or what about cutting down the amount of times spent on chores by pooling resources via flatsharing a bigger apartment with a properly equipped kitchen?

I mean, if chores and daily commute are contributing so much to you being stressed out, why not tackle the problem from a more practical side?
hmpf
Sep. 20th, 2015 11:16 pm (UTC)
Re: (whining)
Certainly hoping to move sometime within the next five years, but I live in Frankfurt - there's basically no affordable flats here for people who make barely above minimum wage. (Somewhat conveniently located flats start at 650 euros "kalt", and that's if you're lucky.) I need a raise, and a good deal of luck, before I can move.

Flat sharing... isn't really an option anymore due to my owning too much stuff. Last time I moved I needed to rent a full-sized truck and hire a proper moving crew because there was just no way in hell I could do it with just a small van and friends anymore (and I don't have enough friends for this kind of thing anymore anyway.) I currently live on ca. 25 sq. m. and it's not enough room; I'm not going to find a flat share that's going to give me more space than that (or at least, not an affordable one. Of course you can rent huge rooms in a huge houses with bankers and other rich people as flatmates, but that's gonna cost the same as a small flat). My flat before the current one had 42 sq.m., which was plenty. I could probably live with 35-40, but not really with anything smaller than that.

Moving costing a fortune is also a factor in my reluctance to move again too soon, even if it would be possible to find a cheap flat here - I need to save up for a move a bit. Based on the last move and the fact that I now live in a more expensive part of the country, it'll probably be around 2000 euros next time - it was 1700 last time. I had something like 70 or 80 boxes of books and stuff, last time, and that's not counting the furniture of course. *Big* boxes, not the small banana boxes from the supermarket that people who own less shit sometimes use for moving. (My current flat is so small that I couldn't fit everything in, of course, so now about 20 boxes of stuff are still mouldering away in the basement. About three or four of them are full of kitchen stuff, which I don't want to toss because I *might* have a kitchen again sometime.)

Lastly, there's the fact that while my flat is too small and inconveniently located for one of my jobs, it *is* ideally located for the other - it's in fact in the same house. And it's very, very cheap.

But yeah, I do hope that I'll be able to find something slightly larger and more generally convenient eventually. I *dream* of the day I'll be able to get a dishwasher, especially.

Edited at 2015-09-20 11:28 pm (UTC)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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